Self Esteem

Art is wonderful therapy. I've talked about this before, but it's especially true right now. Lately I've created some really sad paintings in order to feel better about life. As soon as I get my sadness out on a canvas, life instantly becomes much more cheery. There is something about physically putting paint on a canvas that is very soothing. Perhaps this is why I prefer my traditional art to my digital art.

I've noticed, painting helps my self esteem too. I'm not sure why because, honestly, it's really hard for me to get what's in my head onto canvas. However, it really does help. Recent events have made me need the extra self esteem boost too. So, that's why I've been painting like a mad fiend lately. The two pieces featured here are based on a couple songs I've been listening to a lot lately: the first being Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah", and the second being Nickel Creek's "Can't Complain." The first piece is titled "A Broken Hallelujah" and the second is "She Can't Complain." I've also started a Self Esteem Journal. Every day I'm going to write one thing that I love about myself, or that I want to believe about myself. I think it's going to be good, and things are definitely looking up!

We All Must Die a Bit Before We Grow Again

The past couple of weeks have been pretty awful. However, I've always thought that the time when you're the most heartbroken is the time to think of the things you are most grateful for. So, I wanted to create a list of the things that I am most grateful for now.

1. My mom. I don't know what I would do without her. Period. She has always been the biggest support of my life. I am grateful for the technology of cell phones that allows me to call her whenever I need to talk to someone, which sometimes ends up being multiple times in a day.

2. Friends. Without my friends, there is no way I would be as ok as I am now. The second I needed them, they all surrounded me with their love and support. I am indebted to them for everything they've done for me lately. Every day, I have at least one person making sure I'm doing alright, inviting me out to lunch, or over to dinner, or just stopping by for a chat. These friends have kept me sane. I am also grateful for the words of comfort that they have offered me. There are a select few people that just have the ability to make me feel better no matter what.

3. My roommate. She deserves a special thanks. She is super busy, but always takes time from her day to ask how I'm doing. I am grateful for the nightly conversations we have, and for the amazing comfort and revelations I receive from those conversations. She puts up She is amazing.

4. My Ariel costume. I recently got a job where I get paid to dress up as Ariel and go to little girls birthday parties. I recently received my costume for said job and it made me so happy!

5. Disney magic. I still believe Julie Andrews when she says "Dreams do come true."

6. I am grateful for Skype. I just talked with one of my best friends who lives in China for an hour and a half for free... not to mention the fact that I got to see her face. I miss her so much. She always knows how to make me feel better. I haven't talked to her in about a month, so it is such a blessing in order to be able to speak to her face to face even though we are on opposite ends of the world.

7. Memories of things that can make you laugh no matter what. More specifically, memories of my good friend Tatem's special little dance, and the video of Hobo Alex hitting Ryan in the head with a corn-dog and chasing him across the lawn. It never gets old.

8. Star Wars the Musical. Probably the worst musical ever written. Enough said.

9. My first paid acting job. I got offered paid acting gigs by 3 places: Missoula Children's Theatre, Kingsmen Shakespeare Festival, and The Neil Simon Festival. It's nice to be wanted.

10. I am grateful for the memories of good times. Even though it is often painful to remember the good times past, I wouldn't go back and change a single second of it for the world. I am grateful for the things that I have learned in the past 6 months. I am grateful for the heartache too. I have learned so much about myself within the last couple weeks. It has been a struggle to keep the self confidence I gained over the 6 months, but I have somehow managed to hold onto it for the most part. I have had to rely on my Heavenly Father and have strengthened my testimony of the hope that the gospel offers. Though I've experience a whole lot of pain and heartbreak lately, I am grateful for it. There is a quote from The Fantasticks that states, "There is a curious paradox that no one can explain. Who understands the secrets of the reaping of the grain? Who understands why spring is born out of winter's laboring pain? Or why we all must die a bit before we grow again? I do not know the answer, I merely know it's true." I know this to be true. Sometimes we need to hurt more than we ever thought was possible in order to grow. It's the same when we exercise our muscles; as we exercise we tear the muscles a tiny bit, which makes them sore. However, the soreness is what show you that your muscles are repairing themselves, and because they are healing, they are strengthening. I have been given a chance to grow and I am grateful for it.

There are so many other things I have to be grateful for, but these are just the ones that are on my mind at the moment.

A Great Week

Last week I was privileged to attend KCACTF in Hollywood. This is basically just an entire week of theatre. It is a wonderful feeling to be immersed in the work and to not have anything to do for a week but attend shows and focus on the art. First of all, I love California. I love cities in general, but L.A. is wonderful. I love the art deco/art nouveau architecture of the old buildings juxtaposed with the sleek modern skyscrapers. We went on foot most of the the time and really got to discover some fun little restaurants. However, the best part of the whole week was watching the plays. My new favorite play is called Debris by Dennis Kelly. It was performed by California State University, Stanislaus. This play contains some of the most beautiful poetic language I've heard since Shakespeare. If Shakespeare had lived today, this is what his works would sound like. The language was gritty and at times graphic, but it contained an elegance. The critics described it as "muscular poetry." Another play I really enjoyed was called "If All the Sky Were Paper." The author copied letters from war veterans and created a play from them. I've always been sad that writing letters has become a dying art form, and this play discussed that. It exposed the poetry of the letters written by soldiers in the thick of the action and gave a message of hope. It wasn't anti- or pro-war: it merely displayed war for what it is. It left the audience with a sense of hope.

There was some pretty bad theatre I saw this week as well. I saw my first full-length Brecht this week: The Judith of Shimoda. Now, I'm not a huge fan of Brecht in the first place. Personally, I enjoy theatre because I forget that I'm watching a play. I love getting lost in the story, and Brecht tries his best to not allow that. The other issue I had was the acting. I don't know if it was the fault of the direction, or the fact that it was Brecht, but I did not like the style of acting they used. It was very presentational and left me not caring about the characters. It also didn't help that the play was 3 hours long and had about 4 false endings. Apart from Judith I enjoyed almost everything else I saw. Last year, I saw maybe one or two shows that I really actually liked. This year I liked or loved nearly everything I saw.

On the other side of things, I got to perform this year. I was a scene partner for the Irene Ryan's and I was in a directing competition piece. The scene went really well and it was the best we'd ever performed it although we didn't move on. However, the directing piece did move on and our director continued on to win the competition. She now gets to go to nationals in Washington D.C.! I am so proud of her and I am proud to have been able to participate in her piece.

Becoming an Artist

I have decided to start an illustration portfolio. I have discovered a style of art that I love and I think it's pretty marketable. My mother, who is an artist, convinced me to start marketing my art for advertising and illustration purposes. If I can make this work, it would be a perfect day job to make money while I'm acting. Here are my newest pieces. I need to start doing more pieces like this. As much as I love doing the pictures of my friends as Disney characters, that's not really the kind of art I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Those and the pictures of my Dungeons and Dragons campaigns are fun distractions, but it's not the deeper art that I want to do. So, onto better things! Wish me luck!

Unexpected Feelings

At the end of last year I was asked to direct for a student production company at my school. I begrudgingly agreed. Since then I have dreaded actually having to follow through on that commitment. However, today I was relieved of that position I was so terrified of. Instead of feeling relief, I was pretty upset. What changed? Somehow, in the few short months since originally making the commitment I have become attached to the position of director. So, instead, a friend and I are going to put up our own independent project. And this time we will get to do a project that we're really passionate about. I can do the kind of theatre that I want to do. I will create my own opportunities.

I attended a presentation by Ru and Max of Tiny Inventions the other day. Tiny Inventions is an independent animation company that is comprised of its creators, Ru and Max. http://www.tinyinventions.com/ They are this adorable married couple that make animated videos from their small New York apartment. In their presentation they showed an independent short film they made called Something Left, Something Taken. It took them 2 years and it was completely out of pocket. However, they did it because they wanted to create their own opportunities. It was so inspiring seeing artists creating opportunities for themselves. They also discussed artistic integrity. They had an opportunity to make a lot of money doing a project that they weren't necessarily enthusiastic about. It wasn't really the kind of project they wanted to keep doing. So, although they could have made a killing doing this project, they declined the offer so they could do what they wanted. Even though I'm not an animator, their presentation was so inspiring as an actress. So much of what they said applied to being an artist of all sorts. I know that even if I'm not hired anywhere, I can make my own artistic opportunities that will possibly bring in more jobs.

A New Year

I realize this is a bit late in coming, but I think it's always better late than never. This year, I didn't have any New Year's Resolutions. I think I was too distracted with everything going on in my life to really think about it. There are definite things I want to accomplish this year, but I'd definitely define them more as goals instead of "resolutions."

I am getting ready to graduate. This is a very scary, yet exciting time of my life. There are many new adventures and experiences ahead, yet it will be devastating to leave behind the people I love. I know that life always moves on, but I almost don't want it to. I have been happier and more confident during the past few months than I have been in a very long time. I am afraid to lose that feeling when I leave my home. I don't know if that feeling will go away, but the mere possibility leaves me troubled.

I am in a scene right now from the play Anatomy of Gray. There is a line that says, "I've always thought of home as the people." This is how I've always felt. My home has always been with the people I love and the experiences I've shared with them, instead of any one physical location. Perhaps that's the reason I've always been afraid of change. When I graduated high school I couldn't wait to leave. I had outgrown my small hometown. However, as excited as I was to get out, I was sad to leave my friends. Since then, I have found a new home with my new friends. These people in my life have changed me, mostly for the better. I am so grateful for their friendships and their love. I know that wherever I go, I will continue to find new friends and new homes, but it's scary.

I've been doing a lot of research on auditions lately. I've been looking at so many places-- Massachusetts, Chicago, California, Virginia, Ohio-- and with each place this one thought keeps coming back to me, stirring up a whole contradiction of emotions: "I could be living here in a few short months." I feel like there are two halves of me-- one that wants to get on a plane right now and embark on the next great adventure, and one that is clinging onto her current life by her fingernails, leaving scratch marks on the floor. Perhaps I will feel differently once I actually know where I will be going. Honestly, if it weren't for one special person in my life, I would be much more enthusiastic to leave. I'm afraid of losing him.

This picture is the perfect representation of how I feel at the moment. I feel like I'm in a fog, not sure where to go. This picture is called Nowhere Man. Here is the link to the photo: http://kait-wraith.deviantart.com/favourites/?offset=48#/d1woqrv

First Professional Gig!

Ok, so I have just been asked by the founder/artistic director of the Neil Simon Festival to do the artwork for the posters for their upcoming season. This is really flattering and terrifying all at the same time because it is my first professional commission. The Neil Simon Festival is a professional theatre company in the town where I go to school. Their season is Barefoot in the Park, Rumors, and The Nerd. I think I have some really great ideas for the posters and I'm really excited to start working on them! Here is the festival's website: www.simonfest.org