A New Year

I realize this is a bit late in coming, but I think it's always better late than never. This year, I didn't have any New Year's Resolutions. I think I was too distracted with everything going on in my life to really think about it. There are definite things I want to accomplish this year, but I'd definitely define them more as goals instead of "resolutions."

I am getting ready to graduate. This is a very scary, yet exciting time of my life. There are many new adventures and experiences ahead, yet it will be devastating to leave behind the people I love. I know that life always moves on, but I almost don't want it to. I have been happier and more confident during the past few months than I have been in a very long time. I am afraid to lose that feeling when I leave my home. I don't know if that feeling will go away, but the mere possibility leaves me troubled.

I am in a scene right now from the play Anatomy of Gray. There is a line that says, "I've always thought of home as the people." This is how I've always felt. My home has always been with the people I love and the experiences I've shared with them, instead of any one physical location. Perhaps that's the reason I've always been afraid of change. When I graduated high school I couldn't wait to leave. I had outgrown my small hometown. However, as excited as I was to get out, I was sad to leave my friends. Since then, I have found a new home with my new friends. These people in my life have changed me, mostly for the better. I am so grateful for their friendships and their love. I know that wherever I go, I will continue to find new friends and new homes, but it's scary.

I've been doing a lot of research on auditions lately. I've been looking at so many places-- Massachusetts, Chicago, California, Virginia, Ohio-- and with each place this one thought keeps coming back to me, stirring up a whole contradiction of emotions: "I could be living here in a few short months." I feel like there are two halves of me-- one that wants to get on a plane right now and embark on the next great adventure, and one that is clinging onto her current life by her fingernails, leaving scratch marks on the floor. Perhaps I will feel differently once I actually know where I will be going. Honestly, if it weren't for one special person in my life, I would be much more enthusiastic to leave. I'm afraid of losing him.

This picture is the perfect representation of how I feel at the moment. I feel like I'm in a fog, not sure where to go. This picture is called Nowhere Man. Here is the link to the photo: http://kait-wraith.deviantart.com/favourites/?offset=48#/d1woqrv